Shutter Island is a fictional island, off the coast of Massachusetts. The movie was filmed in that area, though, using bits of other islands and the former Medfield State Hospital, an actual mental asylum built in 1896 and finally closed in 2003. The place is supposedly haunted, so it has exactly the right atmosphere for this film, where it doubles as Ashecliffe Hospital. It isn't exactly a horror movie in the usual sense -- more a psychological thriller -- but it's seriously creepy. And to make things even more oppressive, a Civil War-era fortress looms over everything -- actually Fort Andrews, originally built in the Revolutionary War and rebuilt during the Civil War. It's like a dark, damp medieval castle, and those are always spooky.

Leo, as Federal Marshal Edward "Teddy" Daniels, arrives on Shutter Island by ferry, just ahead of a terrible storm, with his new partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo, Zodiac, who does an excellent, beautifully subtle job here -- maybe he helped inspire Leo, too; and let me just also add how terribly glad I am that they didn't actually cast Mark Wahlberg in this role). It seems that in spite of the formidable security -- Teddy calls it "electronic security", though I'm not sure they would have used that term in 1954, when the film is set -- one of their patients has disappeared. Since Shutter Island takes only the worst of the worst patients, those other hospitals won't touch, having one of them running around loose is a Very Bad Thing.

The missing patient, Rachel Solando, looks pretty harmless in the picture they show Teddy, but it seems that she was responsible for the drowning deaths of her three children, an act she's completely forgotten. But however insane she might be, she was apparently clever enough to vanish from her locked room and elude all the guards, nurses, and orderlies; so the marshals have their work cut out for them. That work gets even harder when the man in charge of Ashecliffe, Dr. Cawley (Ben Kingsley, and considering what a busy man he is, I can't believe this is the first flim of his I've reviewed), seems slightly less than cooperative. Teddy is instantly suspicious and threatens to leave, but the storm, now raging over the island, means that the marshals can't leave yet.

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

Teddy's wife Dolores has passed away and is now a hallucination (played by Michelle Williams, from that movie whose name I always forget). He sees her everywhere, and though the visions of her are pretty creepy, they're also very sad. As he tells Chuck, she died in a fire in their apartment building -- from the smoke, not from the fire, he emphasizes -- and the firebug who started the blaze and then escaped was one Andrew Laeddis (Elias Koteas, also from Zodiac, but I'll always think of him as the man who shot House). Teddy's hallucinatory wife insists that Laeddis is on Shutter Island, and suddenly his quest is just as much about finding Laeddis -- who everyone says they've never heard of -- as it is about finding Rachel Solando.

There's a nifty twist at the end, so I can't really say any more, lest I risk giving it away. I suspected it about five or ten minutes in, and was sure about halfway through, but actually, it was still okay, because then I could sit back and catch lots of the more subtle clues that were worked into the film. There are plenty of them, so many people might want to see it twice. Those sneaky Hollywood types!

But seriously, it's a movie you have to think about. The last line is so subtle and sad, I kept thinking about it after I left, and really, that's what those sneaky Hollywood people are after. Four and three-quarter idols for this one. Some of the imagery is very disturbing, though, so be warned. Teddy, for instance, flashes back several times to his days as a soldier liberating the concentration camp at Dachau, and the images are about as horrible as you'd expect. But it's a very well-done film, with many layers and believeable characters. You'll recognize several faces, including the third person in the Zodiac reunion, John Carroll Lynch as Deputy Warden McPherson (far left in the picture above), and Ted Levine of Silence of the Lambs fame. I wonder if he's sick and tired of people remembering him first as Buffalo Bill? Because I think most people do. But there are worse movies to be so connected with -- Mark Wahlberg's never going to live down Max Payne, in my mind.

Anyway, go check this one out. I'm pretty sure all the talkative middle-aged ladies in the country saw it at the same time I did, so it should be safe now.

All those cliches are here, but somehow, it works.

Lawrence Talbot (Benicio Del Toro) is English gentry, even though he doesn't sound like it. I accidentally saw another reviewer complaining about how miscast he was, and how jarring it was to have one lone American accent in the cast, but none of that bothered me. They do explain the accent; you just have to be a little patient. Anyway, he's become a famous actor, called away from his portrayal of Hamlet by an anxious letter from Gwen Conliffe (Emily Blunt -- she had a tiny part in Dan in Real Life, but I know her best from an excellent episode of Foyle's War), his brother's fiance. Brother Ben is missing, and Gwen pleads for Lawrence to return home to Talbot Hall and help however he can.

Lawrence is estranged from his father, Sir John Talbot (played in excellently creepy fashion by Sir Anthony Hopkins, from Fracture, among a hundred or so other good films), and no wonder. If there was ever a colder or more distant father, I don't want to know about it. When describing the loss of his wife, Spanish beauty Solana, he tells Lawrence, "Her death destroyed me, you know," which sounds like a very moving expression of love -- except judging by his tone, he might as well be discussing whether they should have beef stew or mutton for dinner. No matter how terrible or cruel the things he says, he never once raises his voice or shows any emotion beyond faint amusement or, occasionally, a sort of resigned, distant fondness, as if he's tolerating a promising horse or hunting dog that's being difficult.

Brother Ben is dead, of course, and he's not the only one. There's no shortage of mauled corpses here. A group of locals blames a caravan of Gypsies currently stopped there, and go after their dancing bear. With perhaps a touch of fellow-feeling, the true beast obligingly clears the bear's good name by attacking locals and Gypsies alike when they're not looking. That's pretty much how everyone gets killed -- abruptly, messily, and when they least expect it. But Lawrence -- appropriately charmed by the pretty, forlorn Gwen, determined to discover Ben's killer whether man or beast; and also wracked with guilt over his brother's death, is determined to meddle -- and is right there to witness all the blood and death, and get attacked himself. He survives, of course, because otherwise it would be a very short movie. And hey, what's a curse for, if not to share with others?

Strangely, this time it isn't Anthony Hopkins in maximum security. He's just visiting.

This is where I don't see why anyone could say Benicio is badly cast. He's very, very good at looking lost and weighted down by a cruel Fate, and what more could you ask for in a wolfman? Lycanthropy, like vampirism, doesn't really get considered a curse, these days. Vampires sparkle annoyingly (unless they're in Daybreakers), and it sounds cool to be able to turn into a wolf and run through the trees. Except it isn't so cool not to be able to control one's one animal instincts, as Lawrence finds out in a great hurry.

Being the enlightened, caring society that they are, the authorities graciously put Lawrence into an asylum instead of a prison, though as far as I can tell, the only difference is that in the asylum, they call the torture part of your cure, so at least you're not suffering for no reason. And they have a nice sign up for all to see that reads, "Compassion Guide Thy Hand," so you know they mean well when they're dunking you in ice water. But in spite of the best kind, caring efforts of the doctor in charge of Lawrence's case, even modern psychiatry can't cure an ancient curse, and things manage to go from seeming just about rock-bottom bad for our tormented hero, to even worse.

Along the way we meet a Scotland Yard detective determined to bring his profession in line with all the latest scientific advances -- a laudable goal, but also not much use against a creepy monster. The detective is Inspector Abberline (Hugo Weaving, Agent Smith of The Matrix and Elrond of the Lord of the Rings trilogy), who was also a real person -- the detective in charge of the investigation into the Ripper murders, also once played by Johnny Depp in From Hell. Talk about a thankless job. And it turns out that investigating werewolves isn't the way to rejuvenate one's career, unfortunately.

Now, I know that opinion is hugely divided on this one. Apparently, you love it or hate it. I guess I wouldn't go quite as far as love myself, but I liked it enough to give it three and three-quarter idols out of five. Obviously if you don't like old-style horror movie cliches, you're completely out of luck. The same review I accidentally saw accuses it of being unscary; and it's true that most of the scary stuff are just things that make you jump in your seat. It isn't psychological horror, or make-you-not-sleep-at-night horror, but that isn't what they were trying for. It's good entertainment -- I never once wondered if it was almost over so I could go home already -- it's wonderfully dark and bleak, a very convincing-seeming portrayal of England on the verge of the Industrial Age; and you get to feel for all of the characters. Except, of course, Sir John, because you're pretty much always supposed to be nervous around Anthony Hopkins' characters.

If you have seen the previews, you've also seen a couple of bits and pieces that didn't make the final cut. I hear they did a pretty serious re-shoot/re-edit on this film to make it more action-oriented, and they succeeded there, all right. It's based on this popular British mini-series of the same name, and you can tell that this was based on something much longer. A few times, the story leaps ahead and assumes you were paying attention to that quick reference someone made to a shack on the river a few scenes back. Don't get me wrong; I like movies that don't spell everything out, but you do need to pay attention to this one.

The basic plot is simple enough, though. Mel Gibson is back on the big screen again, after lying low for years, and this time he's playing Boston homicide detective Tom Craven. His daughter Emma (Bojana Novakovic) works for a large, important, mysterious research facility called Northmoor. She takes a couple of days off to visit her dad, but it's far from relaxing, even before she gets gruesomely shot. She's rather a tiny person, but the guy who shoots her uses a very big gun.

The obvious assumption is that some disgruntled suspect or relative of a suspect was trying to kill Tom, and Emma was simply collateral damage. When Tom finds a very large (and illegal) handgun among his daughter's things, he starts to think that assumption is too obvious, and the movie hits its stride. Actually, it breaks into a breathless run, to try to fit in most of the plot from the mini-series. But the point is, whenever you have a character who does something mysterious at a mysterious "research facility", that's where you should be looking for answers, and Tom looks hard. That's his skill set, after all, hunting down killers.

Enter Jedburgh (Ray Winstone, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, and also soon to be in Percy Jackson and the Olympians). He's called Jedburgh after the WWII British Special Operations staff who went into Europe on spying and sabotage missions. Those missions were collectively called Operation Jedburgh -- your MCND trivia for the week. In the British mini-series, the character was played by Joe Don Baker, who was the CIA agent who sometimes helped James Bond back when he was Pierce Brosnan. So there, Jedburgh was the only character with a U.S. accent; this time around, Jedburgh is the only one with a British accent. He just never fits in.

Anyway, he's asked by some Very Important People to check into the problem of Emma Craven and her enraged father, who's already threatening people; and to clean things up as necessary. I don't know why anyone bothers to use phrases like "clean things up" or "tie up any loose ends" any more. Everyone knows exactly what they mean, so it isn't as if they're being subtle. But Jedburgh starts investigating, and that's when the body count really starts racking up.

Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?

And poor Tom can't catch a break. His own partner wants him to lay off, Emma's boss Jack Bennett (Danny Huston, who played Clive Owen's cousin Nigel in Children of Men) gives him a polite runaround, and no matter how many times he asks for a glass of ginger ale, no one ever gives him one. But he perserveres, because he's Mel Gibson, and he does play the grieving, determined father very well. His scenes with Jedburgh are great, and while it's basically your standard conspiracy cover-up story, it's all how it's presented, after all.

Four idols out of five for this one. It kept me interested, it was well-acted, and it was overall a fun ride. Just hang on tightly to that box of Milk Duds.

Let me back up a little. On a long, lonely, dusty highway in the southwestern United States, there's a place called Paradise Falls. It might be a town, or it might just be the name of the only diner/truck stop along that road for fifty miles in either direction. Bob Hanson (Dennis Quaid, Smart People) owns it, or maybe it owns him. He also has a son named Jeep (Lucas Black), who fixes cars. I'm hoping that he's actually nicknamed Jeep because he likes to fix cars, and doesn't like to fix cars because his father legally named him Jeep, so what else could he do?

Anyway, Jeep is madly in love with Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), who's eight months pregnant by some guy and hates her life. She works as a waitress at the diner, apparently the only waitress, which makes sense, because five customers at once is a huge rush for that place. Charlie wants her and Jeep to be just friends. Meanwhile, Howard, Sandra, and Audrey Anderson (Jon Tenney of "The Closer", Kate Walsh of "Grey's Anatomy", and Willa Holland of "The O.C.", respectively) are a wealthy family stranded there because their fancy BMW broke down. Kyle Williams (Tyrese Gibson from The Transformers flicks, soon to play Luke Cage in yet another comic-to-silver-screen adaptation) is there because he's lost. And Percy Walker (Charles S. Dutton, best known to me as Foreman's dad from "House") is stuck there because he works there, as the cook.

Then all heaven breaks loose.

God, for some unspecified reason, is angry at humankind. Since the flood thing has already been done, this time the angels come down for a more hands-on approach. Since it's also sometimes a sharp-teeth-in-skin approach, this is much bloodier than the flood. But one particular angel (Paul Bettany) decides that this whole plan is a Very Bad Idea, and decides he's going to do his level best to sabotage it. According to some prophecy (or something -- the movie is very vague about details like that), Charlie's baby is the last best hope for humankind; and yes, this is basically a remake of The Terminator, so maybe the angels know things because they're from the future.

The first sign of the Apocalypse: People standing around gaping.

Much shooting and death ensues. It actually didn't give me nightmares -- all the scariest stuff was in the previews, pretty much, and I was desensitized to that after seeing the previews seventeen times -- but it isn't pleasant. One place where the movie's actually pretty good, though, is in showing the seige mentality of the few trapped in the diner, and how different people react. Some of it's a little forced because they had to jam it into just 100 minutes of movie, and they have a lot of people to kill and cars to blow up; but otherwise it's pretty good.

The rest is... well, a lame remake of Terminator, as mentioned, and it's really a terrible waste of some good actors. (Though the guy who plays Gabriel (Kevin Durand) is so wooden he seems like he must be chanelling Ben Affleck, but I don't think that's usual for him.) Anyway, in spite of the best efforts of Paul Bettany, I give this one two and a quarter idols. The first part was all right, but it went steadily downhill, until the last half hour was just dull and vaguely confusing, though that may have been because I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention by then. I was busy hoping for The Wolfman to be much better.

Denzel Washington is what the other characters call a Walker. It's been thirty years since the Great War was ended by the Flash, and I don't mean the DC comic book hero, one of the few major characters who hasn't gotten a movie of his own yet -- though rumor has it they'll fix that little oversight next year. Anyway, this Flash blinded a fair number of people, so it sounds like the burst of light from a nuclear bomb, or maybe lots of bombs, since it seems to have affected so many. And even thirty years later, if you go outside without your Ray-Bans, you'll come back without your retinas. The whole world seems to have been baked until it looks like New Mexico -- and I'm not trying to make fun of New Mexico; that's just where they did a lot of the location shooting.

Denzel is heading west, because he has to. It's his destiny, he feels, and his mantra is that he must not stray from the path. That path, however, gets pretty rocky when he encounters Carnegie (Gary Oldman, the voice of General Grawl in Planet 51, and Sirius Black from Harry Potter), the absolute ruler of a small town, filled with refugees from the road. It's like an Old West town -- everyone important has a gun, there are shootouts in the street, and life revolves around the saloon, where Carnegie holds court and keeps his 'soldiers' loyal with alcohol and women. Carnegie, you see, is obsessed with books. Actually one book in particular, but he sends his troops out to grab every book they can in hopes of finding the one he's after. It's difficult on the troops, though, since most copies of the book their boss wants were burned, and basically no one under thirty-five can read. Clearly, this is a Horrible Place to Live. The only bright spot is that no one under thirty-five knows what a television is, either, so at least the terrible legacy of those reality shows is gone.

The movie isn't black and white -- I just liked this picture and couldn't find it in color.

You can see this coming -- the very book that Carnegie wants so desparately (we all know what book it is, but we'll pretend and not say the name) is the one book that Denzel is carrying with him. Granted, Gary Oldman can be intimidating -- he once played the vampire, Dracula himself, after all -- but when it comes down to him versus Denzel, all bets are off. As Carnegie's long-suffering companion, Claudia (Jennifer Beals, most recently of the TV series "Lie to Me") says, "You won't be able to make him do what you want him to do." Claudia is blind, but not from the Flash -- she was born that way, which she also says makes her lucky, in a way, since at least she was always used to it.

The lovely Claudia has a lovely daughter, Solara (Mila Kunis, from Max Payne -- thankfully, now that she's made this movie, I won't have to mention that awful thing again), who, unsurprisingly, hates it in that town. Carnegie's head thug, Redridge (Ray Stevenson -- look for him as mighty Norse warrior Volstagg in the upcoming Thor flick), is all over her when she doesn't want him to be, and Carnegie thoughtfully sends her to seduce Denzel, thinking that will make him stay. This, of course, is completely the wrong way to approach Denzel, but try telling him that.

Then all the fighting breaks out. Every surviving gun on the planet seems to have ended up in this one spot, including an old-style gatling gun. I wasn't sure I was right in guessing that, but they mentioned a gatling gun operator in the credits, so that must be it. It really tears through wood, whatever it is, though to be fair, it's obviously very old wood and probably not very well cared for. Which reminds me -- I couldn't figure out why people kept walking and driving over bridges that had literally been through a war and left to crumble for three decades, and then seemed surprised when they reached the point where said bridge actually had crumbled and they couldn't go any further.

Anyway. I'll go with four idols. It could be described as your standard chase movie, but it never quite becomes predictable; and yes, there are some questionable bits in the plot that I'm still pondering. But hey, filmmakers want people to ponder their movies, right? Denzel is his usual shining self, of course, and though Gary Oldman goes way, way over the top sometimes, that's just what Carnegie's like, and the performances overall are solid to excellent. Tom Waits (inventor extraordinaire Doc Heller from Mystery Men) is the Engineer -- he seems to have no other name -- and there are a couple of other quite famous faces you'll recognize in minor roles, including one uncredited one, but I won't mention them and spoil the surprise. Now I'm off to go find a safe place to hide my books when the apocalypse comes.

They don't give percentages, but at least 95% of the world is a vampire. Everything's either dark or barely lit by faintly bluish lights, the rich have gotten richer while the poor have gotten poorer, and women's liberation has gone back to about the 1940's. (That happens a lot in these near-future flicks, though I have no clue why.) Vampirisim was also a serious blow to the anti-smoking movement -- I guess if you're already dead, for all practical purposes, why not indulge?

The last few humans are hunted so that they can be hooked up to machines kind of like the ones in the Matrix that keep them just alive enough to produce blood. Eventually, of course, these humans will die, but Charles Bromley (Sam Neill), head of Bromley Marks, the world's largest producer of blood, hasn't planned that far ahead and is just draining the last humans he has dry, hoping for a workable blood substitute to be developed.

Yes, there's an obvious parallel to the real world there that we're meant to catch, but I think it's also a good example of the thought processes of your average bloodsucking creature of the night. Granted, I suspect Bromley (think Bram Stoker for the inspiration for the name, maybe?) was always something of a soulless bloodsucker, but overall I suspect all the tales, movies, and roleplaying games have it right -- it's a lot harder to empathize with anyone when you know your next meal is going to come from your former next door neighbor's jugular.

It's all terribly civilized, though, on the surface. You don't sip directly from your former neighbor's jugular; heavens no. He's hooked up tidily to his machine, and you get a little splash of his Type B in your evening coffee. No muss, no fuss, and none of that silly hunting down one's prey. That's left to the professionals, namely the Army; of which Ed's brother, Frankie (Michael Dorman) is a proudly serving member. But even the best soldier can't find humans where there aren't any, and the world is full of Blood Riots due to the growing shortages. FInally even the U.S. is running low, and of course we can't have that.

Enter Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke, of Gattaca, a very good movie that you should really watch, if you haven't already), a hematologist for Bromley Marks working on the aforementioned blood substitute. Being a blood doctor in a world full of vampires should make you something like a demigod, but Ed's just a regular guy, with a boss demanding results, deadlines to meet, fangs, and glowing gold eyes, just like the rest of us. He can't quite make the blood substitute work, and as it happens, all that outward civilization gets ripped away pretty quickly when there isn't a steady supply of the red stuff.

Ed, Audrey, Elvis, and their crossbows sit down for a little chat.

Then Ed runs into (almost literally) a small group of fleeing humans, and that's when things really get strange. He meets Audrey Bennet (Claudia Karvan, another in the long string of Australian actors who come to the U.S. so they can learn to sound American and steal all our jobs) and also Elvis. No, not that Elvis. This Elvis is Wlliem Dafoe, as Lionel Cormac, who his friends call Elvis. (Willem Dafoe, of course, is noted for being in the Spider-Man series of movies, and also for being born in Wisconsin.)

Elvis and Audrey think they might have a cure for the vampire plague -- apparently that's what it really is here, like how the zombies in 28 Days Later or Zombieland are actually sick rather than dead -- but it's a little rough around the edges and they need an expert like Ed to polish it up for them. Actually, "a little rough" isn't quite the way to describe it. Fact is, if ever there was a case where the cure was worse than the disease, this is it.

The last third or so of the film is all about the blood. It's everywhere. It gushes, it trickles, it drives men wild. Presumably it drives women wild as well, but there aren't nearly as many of those around. Of course one expects blood from a vampire flick, but this is still kind of excessive. Okay, very excessive. The story's also a little rushed in places, unfortunately; but then, it's only 98 minutes long. I'd say that they're looking ahead to airing it on network TV in a 2-hour timeslot, but I'm not sure that warnings would really cut it, and there's just no way to edit out enough of that blood, I would imagine.

Three and a half idols out of five. My first thought was three and a third, but there's a lot of good stuff that's only touched on in the film. I'm hopeful that when the DVD version comes out, the director's cut will be worth at least three and three-quarter idols, so let's be optimistic. After all, the sun will rise again tomorrow.

First up for the New Year is something that looks pretty promising, namely Daybreakers. If it's half as good as the trailers make it look, I'll be happy. The image of the vampire is in dire need of a remodel, and this could be the movie that makes them once again just as creepy as they should be.

Trailers for Legion have been in the rotation for a long time already -- I've seen it at least six times, but still can't make up my mind about it. This one could really go either way. On the surface it looks like just another man vs. monster flick, but then, so did 28 Days Later, and I like that.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief will, I predict, be the longest-titled movie of the year. It's based on a popular series of young adult books, and with fantasy as big as it is right now, the box office, at least, should be tremendous on this one. Besides, what teenager hasn't occasionally wished that one or both parents were actually Greek gods?

The Wolfman gives Anthony Hopkins and Benicio del Toro the chance to do for werewolves what Daybreakers will (hopefully) do for vampires. The wolfman was never a favorite character of mine, but I'm looking forward to seeing what they do with this one. If nothing else, the transformation effects look like they'll be horrible, but fantastic.

I've seen the trailer for Shutter Island even more than the trailer for Legion, and I'm starting to wish it would just come out, already. I'm also starting to wish that someone would sit Leonardo DiCaprio down for a long talk about these tough guy roles he keeps trying to play.

I saw the previews for The Crazies just once. If they show them again, I'll have to just cover my eyes until it's over. It's possible this is another example of a zombie movie that rises above the usual, but I have a horrible feeling it's just one of those movies meant to make you jump, and to make teenage girls cling to their dates.

They're remaking Alice in Wonderland, as nearly everyone must know by now, because Johnny Depp is in it. Alice, the supposed main character, is played by a virtual unknown, because who cares who else is in it if Johnny Depp is in it, right? But he's been looking steadily weirder ever since he played Willy Wonka, so I suppose his turning into the Mad Hatter was inevitable.

They had a (very brief) trailer for Iron Man 2 before Sherlock Holmes, for the Robert Downey Jr. fans. There's not much there yet -- it isn't due out until May 2010 -- but there was a bunch of dancing gilrs, a congressional hearing, a battle royal with what looked to be Iron Man and War Machine against a bunch of robots, and Whiplash as a villain. This character is sort of a cross between Backlash (who used to be called Whiplash) and the Crimson Dynamo, a Russian adversary of good old Shellhead's. (If you've never read an Iron Man comic, all you even sort of need to know is that they've combined two of the villains from the comic to create a new one for the movie.)

Inception is yet another Leonardo DiCaprio film, though I'm not sure how tough he tries to be. It looks like they go all Matrix-y in this one, which is often a bad idea, but it's an interesting concept. As near as I can tell, Leo's part of a team that uses a new technology to enter peoples' minds and sift through them to find things out. Now that's a good way to interrogate someone, as long as you can get out with everyone's sanity intact.

And when I went looking to see what other projects he might have coming up that I could mention, there were twenty-seven listed. Twenty-seven. I'm not touching those. Someone make him take a vacation. Apparently he might be in Aquaman, though, so at least he's not sticking too closely to the tough guy roles. Hee.

Ridley Scott is also working up a retelling of Robin Hood, to go with his proposed version of Brave New World -- he's almost as busy as Leo. Mark Strong (recent Sherlock Holmes villain) seems to be a villain here as well -- that's fine. Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian -- also good. But I'm not sure I can root for Russell Crowe as Robin Hood. *sigh*

And last but not least, Clash of the Titans. If you remember the 1981 version, then you'll probably want to forget it. There was no indication of a plot in the trailer, though I doubt there's much of one, anyway; but wow, people had fun with the designs for the creatures. They were great.

Before this gets any longer, I'll sign off. There are so many fun things to preview, though! I'll have to try this again sometime.

The good:

Gran Torino. Clint Eastwood proves there's no age limit on being tough.

Watchmen. It was wild, it was over the top, and it was violent; but like a good roller coaster, it was a grand and entertaining ride.

District 9. At the end of the day, it's all about being able to look at yourself in the mirror.

The bad:

Knowing. Nic, you're wonderful. But nothing, I mean nothing, could salvage that script.

The Box. Because throwing special effects at a story isn't the way to make it better.

2012. See above. These aren't even good special effects.

The ugly:

Zombieland. There isn't much uglier than a zombie. Braaaainsss.

9. The little dolls were adorable. Those monsters chasing them were seriously creepy, and win the award for Scariest Creatures of the Year in my book. Yes, even including the ones in the film mentioned below.

Avatar. Because throwing special effects at a story isn't the way to make it better. How many times do I have to say that?

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man, Zodiac) is Sherlock Holmes, or claims to be. He says lots of Holmes' lines from the original stories, he boxes, he performs weird experiments, he shoots pistols in the house, and he locks himself in his rooms for days on end just like Holmes; but somehow I was still never convinced of his identity. Jude Law, though, made an excellent Watson, which was a very pleasant surprise. He was calm, practical, and generally just the right antidote to his detective friend's manic, impractical, and generally unsettling ways. He also was not a hapless, uncoordinated idiot, which so many writers have made him, even though he wasn't supposed to be anything of the sort in the original stories.

So far, things have sort of evened out -- one really bad casting decisions, one really good one. Then we come to the, um, lady of the story, who neither acts nor dresses like a lady, one Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams, who looks like she's wandered off the cover of a 1980's era, pseudo-historical bodice-ripper romance novel). She's always the woman they throw in when they really, seriously want to mess with the Holmes universe, because she's the one that Holmes referred to as "the woman," according to Watson, who should know. This, however, was because she was the only female Holmes ever ran across who bested him in a battle of wits. This is a huge thing when one's career is literally one's wits, and is more than enough explanation for Holmes' notice without wedging in romantic feelings, but that's what everyone does. It's very sadly predictable.

And they don't disappoint me here. Well, they do, but I can at least say that I predicted being disappointed accurately. The writers then go on to mess with Watson's romantic history, apparently solely to give someone a chance to throw wine in Holmes' face. The doctor is engaged to marry Mary Morstan, who featured in one of the original Holmes stories (The Sign of Four), and who Watson actually did marry -- but for whatever bizarre reason, here she never did feature in that case, because Holmes hasn't met her yet when the film opens. The two men seem to have known each other forever, judging by the way they harrass each other, but there's never any mention of any other cases they've worked on, which is very unlike the stories.

In fact, let me just list the ways in which this flick actually follows the Holmesian traditions: the names and occupations of all the main characters are the same. Except that isn't right, either, because "Scandal in Bohemia" Irene Adler is a woman with a very faintly checkered past (standard for any female who dared to act or sing at that time) who bests Holmes because she wants to marry a man she deeply loves and get on with being happy. Movie Irene Adler is an amoral. ruthless adventuress, thief, and con artist who talks like she's been married seventeen times. Somehow, even in the sexist Victorian world, where a woman just might be able to get a divorce if she's extremely rich and can prove extreme cruelty on the part of her husband, Irene Adler is able to get divorced as often as she likes. She's also able to walk the streets dressed like a neon flamingo without being arrested for prostitution, or possibly just terribly bad dress sense.

Rachel McAdams prepares to read up on the technology used to make her dress glow in the dark.

But the good news is that it does have a plot! As much of a plot as ever a Holmes story did, since even their author admitted that they were more exercises in logic for the famed detective than stories in the usual sense. So I didn't really mind that the whole film is mainly a series of weird and interesting events (secret societies, booby traps, men bursting into flames, French giants, etc.) that don't really fit together until it's all explained at the end, because that's how it should be. I was only bothered that it was Robert Downey Jr. explaining things, and somehow it sounded like he was just reading it all from the script.

I think that the Holmes franchise (and yes, it's going to be a franchise, sadly, as the ending isn't so much an ending as a teaser for the next film), is being groomed to replace the Bond franchise. Now that James has moved on to be meaner, rougher, and tougher all around, the world (apparently) needs another kinder, gentler action hero, and for some reason I'll never understand, the movie studios have turned to Holmes and Watson. But the best I can possibly rate this is three idols, and that's a very bad sign, since starting at that level means that it will take only three or four movies before they become unwatchable, based on the usual sequel slump in quality. My suggestion? Keep Jude Law and recast Holmes. Let Robert stick to the Iron Man franchise, because Tony Stark is supposed to be spoiled and self-centered and charming, in a really smarmy way. He's born to play Tony Stark! I'm not sure I even care who they replace him with for Holmes as long as the guy is about the right age, can act, and isn't Jim Carrey. Oh, and actually is English, because it would really be nice to have an English actor playing the world's most famous English detective. Elementary.

They're worth shrieking about, though. They're amazing. Most of the time, you can't tell where live action ends and whatever freakishly cool computer imaging they were using begins, and it's stunning. Giant, blue-striped, vaguely cat-like humanoid aliens seem to live and breathe, surviving on a planet where basically everything has a burning desire to kill and eat something else. There's a beastie that looks something like a cross between a panther and a catfish that could run you down and rip your head off without breaking a sweat -- and it's far from the toughest thing in that jungle.

But I'm getting ahead of the plot. Sam Worthington (Marcus Wright from the latest Terminator flick) plays Marine Jake Sully. Ex-Marine, technically, since a spinal cord injury has left him confined to a wheelchair. Through a strange twist of fate (aka a necessary plot point), he's ended up on a planet called Pandora, clearly named for the fact that said planet contains every dangerous thing in the universe, like the legend of Pandora's Box. But students of this legend will recall that in some versions of the tale, Pandora's Box also contained Hope, to make up for the nasty things like War and Famine. Pandora also means all-gifted, though, and the movie won't let you forget that part for a second.

This is the best picture I could find of all the glowing stuff, and it's only about one-fifth as cool as seeing it on the big screen.

Giovanni plays the desk jockey in charge of decimating the planet and turning its natural resources to his company's advantage, a guy named Carter Burke. I mean, a guy named Parker Selfridge, who's actually even worse than Carter Burke. Stephen Lang (also from Public Enemies) plays Colonel Miles Quaritch, who's seriously scary. And scarry. He runs the security team on Pandora, made up mainly of ex-military like himself. He also, foolishly, tries to push around Sigourney Weaver, who plays Dr. Grace Augustine, a botanist who's in charge of the science team. Like Clint Eastwood, she's not getting any less intimidating with the passage of time.

The Avatar program allows the scientists to "go native" in a big way. Because of this, they've learned a great deal about the indigenous population -- except they still haven't learned the one thing the military wing of the operation wants to know, namely, how to make them realize they're being selfish by refusing to leave their ancestral land and the giant tree they live in so that the big ugly bulldozers can scoop up all that lovely unobtainium. I can't even type that with a straight face.

Would you believe I still can't decide how to rank this? Because I can't. Ranting the special effects is easy: Five out of five, all the way. The acting gets a solid four and a half. But the plot... oh, the plot. It's only there to hang the special effects on, because that's totally all people care about these days, right? And I can't, just can't, bring myself to give that plot more than two out of five, even aside from the one nagging error I spotted. Maybe I'm just bitter. It started out great -- I couldn't wait to find out all about the planet's mysteries. Then, when we started finding out, it became like those old vaudeville acts, where someone would hold up signs telling the audience when to cheer, when to boo, etc. That bothered me, frankly. At the risk of sounding hopelessly un-trendy and harsh, I would have much preferred to see realistic situations and characters on Pandora, to go with the realistic effects -- characters with both good and evil in them -- and make up my own mind about who I might want to cheer for... if anyone.

Oh, and I still need a ranking. *sigh* Five + four and a half + two/3 = 3.8333, which isn't too far off, I guess. Even though it was way too long and by the end of the second hour I felt like the seat was carved from stone, you don't get the full visual impact outside the theatre. So 3.8 out of five it is, and I'll take the abuse from those who think I rated it too low, because I feel like I rated it too high. And I'll even offer up a patent pending MCND Fun Fact -- some of you may have seen a recent episode of Bones, where several characters were taking turns waiting in a huge line to get good seats for the premiere of Avatar. One of those characters, Colin Fisher, is played by Joel Moore, who plays science guy Norm Spellman in the film. Kudos to whoever came up with that idea.

But it's also a movie about politics, and I know even less about them, though the movie does a good job setting the scene. In the early to mid-90's, when this movie takes place, Nelson Mandela (here played by Morgan Freeman of The Bucket List, who does an excellent job of looking like the former president) was trying to unite South Africa after it had been torn apart by Apartheid. The Afrikaners, descendents of the northern Europeans who settled in South Africa in the 17th and 18th centuries, call Mandela and his followers terrorists. The black Africans, only newly restored to citizenship in their own country, call the Afrikaners oppressors -- and probably worse, though in the movie, they say it in something other than English, and no subtitles are provided, so I can't be sure.

After 27 years in a tiny little cell with a blanket on the floor for a bed, Mandela is now elected president of a country that he freely admits is in a terrible state. Ostracized by other nations, with two-thirds of the population glaring angrily at the remaining third and possibly wishing they could still shoot at each other like in the good old days, Mandela has his work cut out for him. No one wants to forgive or forget, and when he urges people to do so, they usually look at him like they're wondering exactly how the impeachment process works in South Africa.

Then he hits on an idea. It's offbeat, risky, and makes his long-suffering personal assistant Brenda (Adjoa Andoh, who played Francine Jones, Martha Jones' mother, in the new Doctor Who series) wish that sports had never been invented. Yes, he decides to use rubgy, of all things, to unite his shattered country. It still seems strange to me, to use a sport that advocates grievous bodily harm as a path towards peace, but then, I suppose in this case, it was advocating grievous bodliy harm against people from other countries, so maybe that's okay, then. Sort of.

Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon discover they've worn the same outfit to the World Cup Match.

Anyway, reasoning that if he can make everyone cheer for the country's rugby team, the Springboks (named after a type of South African antelope), then everyone will be much less likely to want to shoot each other. It does seem a little far-fetched, so I understand why Brenda gets so frustrated over her boss' obsession with the team; but having been born and raised within twenty miles of Lambeau Field, the very heart of Green Bay Packers territory, I can see that Mandela has a valid point. You might not like the guy sitting next to you -- you might never speak to this person in the normal course of events -- but if you suddenly realize that this person next to you is also cheering himself hoarse over that great play, it's really hard to dislike that person.

There are just a few little problems with this plan. First, the team isn't very good. In fact, they're actually kind of awful. Second, most blacks hate the sight of the (all-white, except for one guy) team, seeing them, their green and gold uniforms, and even their name as symbols of oppression.

Enter Matt Damon, of the The Bourne Ultimatum. (Finally, right?) He plays Francois Pinaar, captain of the team, and he seems to think the team has potential; they're just not organized, angry, or maybe experienced enough. Or something. He tries to inspire them by making toasts and encouraging the throwing of beer cans, but something's still not clicking.

Then he gets invited to tea with the president, who tells the hapless rugby player that he'd really like it if he and his team could go win the World Cup for South Africa, please, thanks. And that's what the rest of the movie is about.

There's the obligatory dramatic highlights of the World Cup games, of course, and by the end of the film, I was really, really tired of watching these men beat each other up. But then, I don't like rugby. I don't even like football much, and that's practically sacreligious when you're from where I'm from. Anyway, it really started dragging for me at the end, so be warned.

Basically, since any attempt to deal with the whole of the country at that time would take at least ten movies, Clint Eastwood (now apparently happy to direct instead of act for a while) wisely decides to focus on just the rugby aspect of the struggles so it isn't too overwhelming. Even so, it's 134 minutes long, so get a comfy seat. But it's worth watching even if you're not a rugby fan, and I'm not just saying that because Matt Damon's in it. Promise.

Four idols for this one. It's a little obvious sometimes, clearly working to make the audience weepy, and that didn't quite feel right. And I'm pretty sure Kyle Eastwood wouldn't be getting all these music jobs in Hollywood if his dad wasn't hiring him -- it's okay music, but it should be fantastic. But otherwise it's a good film. The minor characters all get their chance to shine -- keep an eye on the president's security detail, for instance, now suddenly an integrated security detail, and all the adjustments they have to make. And remember: the first rule of rubgy is to wait until the ref isn't looking before you punch the other guy.

But just think of it. Take a budget that's probably really small in Hollywood terms; get yourself a few B through D list stars; a script that's got moderate violence, a car chase or two, and a couple of explosions; keep the swearing to a bare minimum, and you basically get two movies for the price of one. No muss, no fuss -- this baby can go straight to any network you choose. And it's only 88 minutes. Add 32 minutes of commercials and that voice-over guy warning us that it contains mature themes after every commercial break, and voila! Programming for a Friday night sometime next year.

Oh, and it does have a plot. Matt Dillon is Mike Cochrone, a guard at an armored car company called Eagle Shield. His protege and godson, Ty Hackett (Columbus Short, from Quarantine), is just finishing his probation period there and being made a full-fledged guard himself. But in spite of having this job (which is probably pretty high-paying, I would think, just for the potential danger factor), he has money problems. His parents recently died, and he inherited a house with two mortgages, a lot of medical bills, and a vaguely troubled younger brother who's way too fond of spray paint. But old buddy Mike is there for him, always pointing out that Ty deserves better, and that they'll "figure out a way" to save his house.

The cast of the new Friday night drama about the trials and tribulations of a misfit bunch of armored car guards.

This vague, unspecified "way" soon turns into a scheme that has clearly been in the works for a long time -- a plan to fake a hijack, hide the $42 million dollars they'll be carrying, and when the heat dies down, split the money six ways. But the six ways includes Ty, and he hasn't yet agreed to go along with the scheme. He's seen fighting in the Middle East, and already feels guilty enough about the people he's killed there. He doesn't need any more stuff on his conscience. But money worries are the worst, and he has Mike's solemn promise that no one will get hurt, so you can understand the temptation.

However, anyone who's ever seen a movie knows that a solemn promise that no one will get hurt ranks right up there with saying that nothing can possibly go wrong. Pretty soon the body count is rising and two armored cars will never be the same again. Mike and the other would-be thieves -- Dobbs (Skeet Ulrich), Palmer (Amaury Nolasco, Max Payne, unfortunately), Quinn (Jean Reno, a character actor from Morocco whose name you might not know, but whose face is probably familiar), and Baines (Laurence Fishburne, no longer the heroic Morpheus, now reduced to telling slightly off-color jokes) -- claimed to have a foolproof plan, but it unravels faster than you can say "Whoops."

Complications include sheriff's deputy Jake Eckehart (Milo Ventimiglia, in phase three of his ongoing plan not to be typecast as anything, playing a very good cop to make up for playing that complete pervert in Gamer) and the traditional Place Where Radio Communications Will Not Work, no matter how reliable they were before. And yes, people die. But nothing truly horrible happens, since it's only PG-13. It's an action movie for the whole family! Except it isn't, because the kids would probably get bored, when they're not freaking out. There are times when they go for a while between explosions or other dramatic bits of violence.

I'm going with two and three-quarter idols. It would've been three, but I had to dock a quarter idol for the ending, which was even more ridiculously pat than I was expecting. On the plus side, at least they didn't try to wedge a romance into the film.

The point is, I thought it might be nice to post a link to some information or videos or something like that about the actual process of making such trailers. Except the net has kinda dropped the ball on that, and there really isn't much out there like that. Specific stuff like "The Making of the Trailer for Really Big Expensive Action Movie 12!" is easy; general stuff, not so much.

So I offer you the following as a consolation prize -- the Five Awesome Movie Trailers that Made the Movie. See what you think of their choices.

You can also check out this tribute to the late, great Don LaFontaine, aka that Movie Voice-Over Guy. He was cool.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- except I think this is actually in our galaxy. Anyway, there's a planet out there that's full of little green aliens who don't wear shoes, eat food that glows, drive little round hovercars, and are obsessed with scary 1950's-style sci-fi movies about being invaded by beings from outer space. Best-known are the Humaniacs, villains of an ultra-popular movie trilogy. In spite of the name, they don't look very human; they're roughly human-shaped, but have just one giant hypnotic eye where their heads should be. And they want to eat your braaains!

So says Skiff (voiced by Seann William Scott), comic-book store employee and alien expert. His best friend, Lem (Justin Long, wisecracking computer hacker from Live Free or Die Hard, newly promoted to junior assistant curator at the observatory, isn't so sure. He's busy mooning over the girl next door, in true 1950's style, because everything in this movie is pretty 1950's, basically. Everything's also round, hovers, and/or looks like crop circles. But the girl next door is Neera (Jessica Biel), who's learning all about something new called "protesting", and though she likes Lem, too, it's almost impossible for them to get a minute alone.

That problem only gets worse when Captain Charles T. Baker, astronaut (Voice of Dwayne Johnson, of Get Smart fame) lands in the middle of Lem and Neera's perfect little suburban neighborhood, thinking he's just claimed an uninhabited planet for the United States of America. As startled as the natives are to see him, he's even more startled to discover that he has an audience, and things just go downhill from there. It turns out that Rover, the adorable little mobile camera and sample-taker that was sent out to investigate the planet, was programmed to find and photograph rocks, so that's what it did -- just the rocks. So the little green aliens turned out to be quite a shock.

Skiff is the one on the left, and he's right to look nervous.

Paranoid as they are, Len's friends and neighbors are all ready for this alien invasion, led by tough General Grawl (Gary Oldman) and mad scientist Professor Kipple (John Cleese). Except all Chuck wants is to get back home, and he has to get back to his spaceship before the automatic liftoff sequence begins, or he'll be stuck there, with everyone trying to kill him. But of course the army's ready, and they've got his spaceship surrounded. It's just like a scene from The Day the Earth Stood Still, either version. In fact, this movie features all sorts of famous lines and images from just about every sci-fi movie you can think of, from Invasion of the Body Snatchers to Terminator to Alien. In fact, if you liked the Alien franchise, be sure to keep an eye on what they call a dog on Planet 51.

Anyway, the kids in the theatre seemed to like it, I enjoyed trying to find all the in-jokes and rooting for Rover (because really, how can you not root for something so cute?) and it was basically a fun ninety minutes. I'm giving it a respectable three and a third idols. Parents, you probably won't be bored, and kids, you'll love Rover. So Ashley, go ahead and have mom and dad take you to see it. And don't leave as soon as the credits start! They're fun, too.

As for the rest of the movie, there opinion was sort of divided. It's intense, that's for sure -- during one especially tense scene, someone down the row was heard to tell her companion that she didn't think she could stand it anymore. I kept catching myself bracing to run away, just like the people on the screen. So in that respect, screaming success. Judging by the credits, I think half of the world's image effects companies worked on making the film just that overwhelming.

But (and you knew there had to be a but), in other respects, it's a little disappointing. Once or twice, the stuff being destroyed on screen actually looked like the miniatures they were, and with all the technology that was thrown at this film, that should never have happened. As for the science... well, you always expect some of it to be either distorted or just plain wrong. Sometimes what would actually happen just isn't dramatic enough, and the filmmakers have to make people want to pay to watch. I don't really know enough geophysics to judge how close they came as far as the overall cause of the disaster, but I can tell you that their grand scheme to rescue the human race is so full of improbabilities and obvious things being overlooked, that it could only have been designed by a committee, consisting entirely of contractors who gave the lowest bid -- you know, like the usual U.S. government project.

There isn't much of a plot, either, though that's also usual for the blockbuster disaster movies. John Cusack is struggling writer Jackson Curtis, who had one of those "brilliant debut novels that marks the appearance of a triumphant, powerful voice in fiction." It didn't sell, though, because those rarely do. On top of that, his wife Kate (Amanda Peet) left him and took their kids with her because when he was writing, he didn't notice anybody else was in the house with him. The kids are the adorable Lilly (Morgan Lily) and Noah (of course), played by Liam James. And yes, the movie is very cutesy with the references. That got kind of annoying.

John Cusack checking to see if the sky is falling yet.

Anyway, while playing Weekend Dad and taking the kids camping at Yellowstone, Jackson encounters a guy who apparently lives in the park, even though I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to do that, and who broadcasts wild conspiracy theories from his own little radio station in his trailer. The character (played by Zombieland's Woody Harrelson, clearly a very busy man lately) is called Charlie Frost, but I'm pretty sure he's meant to be Art Bell, only because this is fiction, Art Bell is actually correct.

Jackson doesn't really believe a word, but because Charlie is entertaining and generous with his beer, he hangs around and listens as Charlie explains that the world is about to end and the Mayans knew it all along. That's wrong, too, but it's like the Y2K thing. It's apparently more fun to be a doomsayer.

Right after Jackson gets the kids back home to LA, bits and pieces of the city start falling into brand-new canyons or slipping into the ocean, and from then on, the destruction only gets worse and worse. Seriously, just when you think things can't possibly get any worse for the human race, they do. Things break. Bad coincidences happen. Power-hungry government science advisor (weird as that sounds) Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt) gets all power-hungry at really bad moments. When the president is Danny Glover, you'd think a science advisor would know better than to mess with him, but this one has nerves of steel.

There are lots more characters, and they do a good job making a global disaster seem global, instead of being all about the U.S. like usual. And you do get to like the characters, even some of the minor ones. There's just nothing new here, though. Well, okay, I don't believe I've ever seen an airborne plane nearly struck by an airborne train, but I for one would've liked it better if everything hadn't played out exactly as I predicted it would.

As disaster movies go, it's pretty good. So comparing it to, say, Day After Tomorrow, it's wonderful. As blockbusters go, it's also not bad. The acting is all first-rate, even from the kids. But as movies in general go, the highest I can rate it is three idols out of five. It was an excellent effort all around, but in the end, the acting and the special effects can only distract you for so long. But it is kind of cool to see a tsunami coming over the Himalayas.