Weight Loss Tips

Here are a few things you can do:

  1. Don't buy chocolate doughnuts. Buy fruits and stuff instead. If there is one thing people is - it is lazy. We'll eat whatever is handy. Make sure bad things aren't handy.
  2. Go outside a lot. It is nice out.
  3. Get an active hobby like lumberjacking.
  4. Start smoking.
  5. Aquire anorexia or severe depression.
  6. Get on a fad diet. High protein, high carb, high fat, high sugar... something has to work... It can't all be "caloric intake minus caloric expenditure"!
  7. Take pills. I don't know what kind, but lots of people take pills, and they seem pretty happy about it. I hear they have magical "fat melting" and "fat burning" pills that somehow subvert your body's natural processes. I think they have to do DNA resequencing to do that... so ginsing must contain some sort of retrovirus, or something.

Oh, don't try all of these at once.

Post Script.

Several people have written to me to say how terrible they thought I was for posting these tips. I realize that these may not work for everyone, but I have only my personal experiences to share.

As a depressed chain-smoking anorexic pill-popping lumberjack, I can say without a doubt these tips work. I used to weigh over 1,500 pounds, and I am now down to a healthy 82! (Some of the weight loss was due to hair loss and a leg amputation caused in part by a white pine.)

One thing that I didn't mention earlier was my low-carb low-fat high-sugar diet which is mostly Pez-based. I have a ladybug Pez dispenser.