Fool’s gold, n. A brassy yellow mineral that can be mistaken for gold. Also, a romantic comedy that can be mistaken for an adventure flick if you squint a little.
As the opening credits inform us, in 1714, a Spanish treasure fleet, on its way east from the New World laden with gold and gems, was sunk in a terrible hurricane somewhere in the Caribbean. That far, the movie’s got it right, but you can find out more about the real shipwreck here, if you’re curious. The film, because it wants to be a romantic comedy, adds the romantic angle of the treasure being the Queen’s Dowry, sent for by Philip V of Spain at absolutely the worst time of year to sail, because he was so anxious to consummate his marriage with his intended bride. In fact, though some of it was probably rich gifts for his second wife, who he married that year, most of the gold was meant for the depleted Spanish treasury. Kings so rarely seem to know how to budget.
The film also claims that the treasure has been lost ever since, in spite of the best efforts of many fortune hunters. That isn’t quite true, either, but hey, Matthew McConaughey is the hero here, so he gets to be the one to find it after nearly three centuries. He plays the roguish Ben Finnegan, who’s been obsessed with one particular ship from the fleet, the Aurelia, for years. He shares this obsession with his soon-to-be ex-wife Tess (Kate Hudson), who is obviously the brains of their partnership, even if she did let her libido get the best of her when she married Finn in the first place. But he’s the hero, even if he does seem to be some sort of lightning rod for trouble. I lost track of how many times he was smacked in the face, by everything from fists to canes to cricket bats, though at least he didn’t have the misfortune to be whacked in a particularly sensitive spot with a shovel. Yikes.
Tess conveniently reads faded, scribbled 18th century Spanish just as easily as if it was English, and she has a theory about where the ship might be. But she just wants to divorce Finn and go back to school, except you know she won’t get her way. Still, at least she isn’t a hapless female — she still ends up needing rescuing, but she also gets in some pretty good shots of her own. For funding to chase this theory, the perennially broke Finn has turned to a slightly shady rap star called Bigg Bunny. Nope, I’m not making that up; the film’s writers did. He owns a small island and apparently his own brand of rum as well. He also, appropriately, owns an extremely large rabbit. And he has a touch of gold fever, and is determined to beat Finn to the treasure, especially once he catches Finn misappropriating funds.
Tess, meanwhile, has turned to her new boss, the multimillionaire Nigel Honeycutt (Donald Sutherland), as a safer source of funding. So once he and his daugher Gemma (spoiled, ditzy, and kind of like Paris Hilton, but much more wholesome looking) turn treasure hunter, basically half the people in that part of the Caribbean are all butting heads, trying to find that gold. In such a small space as they make it seem, you’d think someone would have tripped over it long ago.
 |
| If you can’t have a plot, at least have plenty of eye candy for everyone… |
And all sorts of people trip over all sorts of things in this movie. It’s sort of cartoony that way, right down to the (limited) violence. There’s gunplay, but few bullets hit anything except innocent rocks and engines. Finn not only gets beaten up, but falls in the water a lot (intentionally or otherwise), leaps onto taxiing planes, jumps off cliffs, and even water-skis without benefit of skis. But don’t let it fool you: it’s still not an action flick.
What it really is, is a romantic comedy with two and a half idols to its name. Somewhere along the way, I guess someone tried too hard to be all things to all viewers, and it didn’t quite work as planned. Actually, it was a lot like watching a TV movie — inoffensive to nearly everyone, fast-paced, and fluffy. It’s a fun roller coaster ride, but that’s about it, in the end. Hey, maybe Disney could work backwards this time and base its next huge theme park ride on a movie…