Joaquin Phoenix and Clive Owen on the same weekend? Such a terrible decision… I really don’t see why they can’t spread the good movies out a little better. Sigh. Anyway, historical epic was narrowly beaten out by crime drama, and here we are.
This film sort of does for the crime drama what The Good Shepherd did for the spy movie. It’s surprisingly slow-paced, thoughtful, and it’s a shock whenever gunfire starts up… which is really how things should be. I mean, if the movie’s just scene after scene of bullets flying, you get numb to them. It should be a shock when someone gets shot. And it is that here. The one big plot twist, such as it is, isn’t a shock, unfortunately, but you can’t have everything.
Joaquin and Mark Wahlberg play brothers Robert and Joseph Grusinsky, though these days, Bobby goes by Green, because it’s easier to pronounce. It also helps hide the fact that both his brother and his father are police officers, which wouldn’t go down well with the wild crowd he hangs out with. Bobby manages a popular nightclub, you see, and he parties with the customers, drinking, using drugs, and playing high-stakes poker. (It’s so high-stakes, in fact, there was a “poker stunt double” listed in the credits.) But this is Joaquin Phoenix, so you can’t help but like him tremendously even as he does all these wild and irresponsible things. Or maybe that’s just me. He is at least a loyal boyfriend to Amada Juarez (Eva Mendes), that’s for sure.
Joseph, meanwhile, is a Good Cop, with a wife and kids, and obviously dad’s favorite son. Dad is Robert Duvall, as Lieutenant Burt Grusinsky, another Good Cop. Joe has just been appointed head of a special drug task force, and guess who’s nightclub is apparently a major center for the biggest drug deals? Why, the one Bobby runs, of course. It’s the owner’s nephew, the slimy Vadim Nezhinski, who runs things, and he’s a regular at the club. But when Dad and Brother ask Bobby to spy quietly on Vadim, he refuses — until things turn violent, as you knew they would.

Joaquin about to beat up Mark Wahlberg for daring to give him an acting lesson.

The rest of the film is about Bobby struggling to hang on to some kind of normal life as everything gets worse and worse around him. He makes a terrible double agent — I would too, though, to be fair. That’s gotta be one of the worst jobs imaginable. And this is Joaquin Phoenix, so you absolutely feel for him every step of the way. You can just feel his nervousness as he tries to help track the drugs back to their source, his helplessness as people get hurt and his relationship with Amada ends up under tremendous strain. It’s all very real, it’s what would happen to nearly anyone in that situation.
What isn’t so real is that the plot is really very linear — you pretty much know what’s going to happen ahead of time, and real life is never like that. You don’t mind much, though, because it’s so well-acted and presented. I don’t think much of Mark Wahlberg’s acting ability, really, but he can handle the part here. He’s maybe a little stiff and awkward, but that fits the character, who’s constantly fighting to be the most moral person he can be, I think. That must be absolutely exhausting to live with, but on the screen it works.
Three and three-quarters idols for this one. Poor Eva Mendes doesn’t get to do much, which is unfortunately the norm in movies like this, that focus on the family relationship angle to the exclusion of most other things. A shame, but I suppose you have to draw the line somewhere, or the movies will start running four hours instead of two, and the average U.S. citizen probably doesn’t have enough patience for that. You do have to be ready for a thoughtful movie to enjoy this one, so don’t go expecting lots of bullets flying — except in the trailer for Hitman, if your local theatre shows that one. Shell casings everywhere in that one…

So… yeah.
I actually saw this one on the weekend as usual… but I’ve kind of been too stunned to write about it. Usually, I like to do something else for a little while after I leave the theatre, just to sort of let my opinions settle, but this time, I had to wait a really long time so I could try to feel less unclean.
Because it was bad. I mean, bad. I went against my better judgment… I still haven’t forgiven Ben Stiller for Meet the Parents, quite probably the worst 108 minutes of my life. But, there wasn’t much choice, so I risked it, and now I’ll never be able to see another Ben Stiller movie again. No great loss, but I do kind of hate to swear off an actor.
There is a plot, at least — it’s based on a Neil Simon screenplay, very loosely, I’m sure, but there was still enough left for a plot. Eddie Cantrow (Ben Stiller) is continually being bugged by his father (Jerry Stiller, his actual father, so not much of an acting stretch there) to get married, but he doesn’t want to take the plunge. Finally, thinking that the girl he’s just met (Malin Ackerman) is about to be transferred to Europe by the company she works for, he impulsively proposes. They go on their honeymoon, and he meets the girl of his dreams (Michelle Monaghan).
You can see where things are going… you can probably guess the whole plot, actually. I did. Ben tells the most amazingly complicated lies with a perfectly straight face as he juggles two women, which was actually pretty impressive. Comedy is hard, so most comedians can really act — Ben just picks the most awful movies most of the time. And I don’t know what to do with those Farrelly brothers. Sometimes they pleasantly surprise me, like with Stuck on You, and sometimes they smack me upside the head with something like this. Sigh.

Ben Stiller, looking as awkward and out of place as I did while watching this movie.

I’m not sure what else to say without getting that unclean feeling back. The raunchiness of it kind of sneaks up on you, and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, really. I know I felt sorry for poor Jerry Stiller, who had to say most of the worst lines in that respect. I think they were trying to make him sound really cool and more with it than his son, but, well, that didn’t work.
Really, all I can add is that not once did I have the urge to laugh, and since this was supposed to be a comedy… yeah. One idol for this debacle. I hate to go any lower, though I’m tempted. The mariachi band running joke alone is almost enough to knock it down to half an idol… because really, haven’t the poor mariachi bands suffered enough?

For the first section: pieces written for a video game.
Vampires! Halls of the Undead
Werewolves! Shamanistic
Elves! Frozen Star
and… for those of you who are always bugging me about the giant battle music…
Orcs! Stoneworld Battle
Also, a quick study with some new synths in The Machine Thinks.
And a very nice finishing piece for a bittersweet film; Rumination

Everyone loves the Bach Toccata and Fugue in D Minor!* It is a semi-seasonal piece, so I rushed it out of the door just in time for your spooky needs.
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor BWV 565
More music to come later today!
(*not true)

Well, not actually next door. The odds are incredibly against it, at least. But I haven’t disappeared, either. Since I dropped the ball last weekend (though it doesn’t look like I missed much), and this weekend also isn’t looking good, I just had to post something. I’m out of town this weekend, in a theatre theatre instead of a movie theatre, so while I could still post a review, it probably wouldn’t do anyone much good. So, most likely until next weekend, this is your Movie Critic, signing off.

Oh man… I’ve had quite my fill of Westerns… not to mention a pile of scrap music that doesn’t quite work. I think these will be the last 2 in the genre for a bit.
Western Streets – an all percussion chaotic thing
Martian Cowboy – umm… yeah. “Dark, Eerie, Epic, Somber, Unnerving” about says it.